Today's one of those days that I wish I'd never gotten out of bed.
I feel like tears are just beneath the surface, eager to break out at the first provocation.
Yesterday all of my tasks at work felt like I had them humming along, 50 channels of multi-tasking juggled as deftly as Michael Davis ever handled chainsaws.
Today I feel like every damn one is behind schedule, I can't possibly complete them, more work is spilling over my transom every minute and my next task will be the one that shows everyone around me that I'm average and weak and I've been faking excellence my whole life.
We always seem in a rush at home. When I'm not depressed, that feels like we're living a full life. When I'm tottering, it's just a source of more stress.
Untreated depression is just a slow march to suicide.
But even depression that's well under treatment --- and between my pshrink and my meds, my depression IS well under treatment --- rears a nightmarish head every once in a while.
I've been awake during many of the same hours as our pet hamster Ted this week and it's catching up with me. I'm finally losing the 5 pounds or so I've been trying to diet off for months, but it's because I have little appetite. My temper is short.
Still, the meds help put a floor under things. There's no spiraling downward past sad.
I feel blue, but not anything much worse. I get up, feed Monkeyboy, shower, put on a suit and run him to school. I resist the temptation to dash back home, call in sick. I attend committee meetings at shul, continue my tutoring and tend to the laundry and trash at home. I trust that tomorrow, or the next day, will be better than today.
I recognize the anchors my dear ones provide to keep me upright and weathering another day. I'm grateful.
I just wish the clouds would dissipate faster.
[Note to ANON1: I know this looks like a softball. Please do me a favor and resist it. Thanks.]
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7 comments:
I struggle with depression too, so I'm familiar with at least some of how you feel. The on-the-verge-of-tears feeling, the irritability and quick anger. It sucks. I feel for you.
I hope today goes fast for you, and that you are able to get some rest.
I am really sorry this is such a hard day. I hope you get some sleep tonight! It is frustrating when it takes forever to break through the muck. Wishing you a brighter Chanukkah!
awww...I'm sorry. This time of the year always seems to get me down. I get excited about the holidays, but sad at the same time. I start thinking about all of the people with no family to spend the holidays with; or with no money to buy their loved ones gifts. After I start thinking about that, it's a downward spiral.
EK - Thanks, being home tonight is definitely better than the workday was. Monkeyboy loves tearing open presents and it's fun to watch.
Ash - Thanks. I didn't used to recognize downward spirals. I think being able to recognize and name it helps me arrest it.
Oh man I could hit this one out of the park.
Seriously, do you exercise? Exercise and a proper diet can help with a lot of what you are feeling. Depression sucks but you need to focus on other things and not think about it.
Join a gym.
Thanks A1.
As you know, I've already responded privately to the substance of your comments.
I'm not trying to screw up your rep here or anything, but:
you don't suck.
Best,
Slim Jim
Don't worry David my rep as an evil Republican is still intact. I just called the INS on a couple of illegal Mexicans walking down the street.
It was my early Christmas present to them.
Happy Holidays.
Love,
ANON1
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