I cannot concentrate on my work and the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get.
(I spent some time on the Internet looking for the source of this phrase. I can't find one. The Amish use the word "hurrieder" to mean faster, and there are a zillion references in various places, but they always quote "my father" or "an old adage" or whatever. Anybody know the origin?)
I find myself longing to drop all my responsibilities, run to Atlantic City, make my fortune and quit my job.
I know that pshrinks and students of cognition label that sort of idea "magical thinking".
So I looked up magical thinking on Wikipedia and kicked myself in the head with a reminder of the connection between magical thinking and my mental illness. To wit:
Magical thinking in mental illness
Magical thinking is often intensified in mental illnesses such as obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or clinical depression. In each it can take a different form peculiar to the particular illness....
In depression, examples are generally more of the good luck charm variety, where the magical thinking is used to create confidence. Self-confidence is one of the first casualties in depression, so a surrogate object is invoked to bolster confidence....
I guess I'd better not quit my day job. Magic aside, my trip to Atlantic City a couple of weeks ago --- where I actually came out ahead --- has probably used up what gambling luck I have coming to me for a while.
But the Wikipedia entry has my feelings diagnosed, spot on. I've got precious little self-esteem at the moment, and I sure felt good when my blackjack bets were coming in and my alma mater was winning at basketball.