Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Un-Effing-Believable

Remember when I said I sort of understood why war crimes trials weren't such a good idea?

These sorts of stories dribbling out are changing my mind.

They systematically subverted the law, committing torture, and shamelessly bragging about it with a wink and a nod. Darth Cheney is bragging still.

FOR NOTHING.

They violated basic, fundamental laws. The ones that separate us from savages. Their pretext was our protection. In the end, they achieved nothing but a shameful drubbing of our good name.

Knaves and fools.

Turnabout's fair play. How 'bout extraordinary rendition of some of these characters to a country with the balls to give them a fair trial and, if convicted, a stretch of time in someplace like Spandau.

If I were Bush, Cheney, Feith, Wolfowitz, Addington or Yoo, I'd be mighty careful about what foreign countries I vacationed in for the rest of my life.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper. I can Type realee quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.. I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not to good but fi nd that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRIAN

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - for a pickture of me see attached image.


Employer's response:

Dear Brian ,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

See you Monday.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Yup, That IS Better Than Graffiti

This came in an e-mail.

If it's a hoax, I don't care to know it.

There is a huge rock near a gravel pit on Highway 25 in rural Iowa. For generations, kids have painted slogans, names, and obscenities on this rock, changing its character many times.

A few months back, the rock received its latest paint job, and since then it has been left completely undisturbed.

It's quite an impressive sight.






Here's the artist.


Ray 'Bubba' Sorensen.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Acting Locally, Thinking Globally

A couple of weeks ago, a couple of hundred volunteers at Beth El Hebrew Congregation of Alexandria Virginia put together more than 20,000 kits filled with very common kitchen ingredients. Congregants, members of nearby churches and synagogues, kids looking for volunteer credit (or just to do a mitzvah), and a host of others worked together as a bunch of big, happy, do-gooder assembly lines. Six to a table, in shifts, at about 20 tables.

From Wikipedia:
Oral rehydration therapy (ORT) is a simple, cheap, and effective treatment for dehydration associated with diarrhea, particularly gastroenteritis, such as that caused by cholera or rotavirus. ORT consists of a solution of salts and sugars which is taken by mouth. It is used around the world, but is most important in the developing world, where it saves millions of children a year from death due to diarrhea—the second leading cause of death in children under five.

The executive director of my shul sent out this message last week:
I received a phone call from the Global Assist Network at noon yesterday to advise me that there is an immediate critical need for the 20,000 rehydration packets (prepared here at BEHC on March 1) in Darfur. Global Assist Network dispatched a FedEx truck which picked up the packets in the afternoon. The packets will be immediately airlifted to Darfur and are scheduled to arrive for distribution on Monday.

Tikkun Olam - the repair of the world is a fundamental value of Judaism. BEHC is a caring community and very proud of its social action efforts of tikkun olam - to repair the world.

YAAAAAAAY

Not That There's Anything Wrong With That

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old fart, time for you to retire.'

The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

The young rooster says, 'Beat it: You are washed up And I am taking over.'

The old rooster says, 'I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop..'

The young rooster laughs. 'You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch When he sees the roosters running by.

The Old Rooster is squawking And running as hard as he can.

The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, 'Dammit.....Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS –

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Deer Tick Alert

I hate it when people sound so many false alarms, but this one is important!

Send this to everyone--repeat, everyone--on your e-mail list!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to disrobe and dance around,

DO NOT DO IT !! It is a SCAM.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.

I feel like such a fool !!!!!!!!!!!!

Spike Milligan, the Goon Show, and the World's Funniest Joke

This article is about what makes jokes funny.

It contains some very funny jokes.

This article is about a comic sketch. If you remember the sketch, I defy you to read the article without smiling.

I'm declaring Be Grateful for Monty Python Week.

It starts yesterday, so you're already late.

It ends 2 days past tomorrow.

Go rent, borrow or buy some Monty Python.

You'll be glad you did.*

*Not an actual guarantee.**

**This IS an actual disclaimer.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Computer Haikus

With thanks, as always
for these sweet comedic gems,
to my friend, Michel.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

The Web site you seek
It cannot be located
But Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Program aborting:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Your file was so big.
It must have been quite useful.
But now it is gone.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has happened.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. All is blank

Monday, March 9, 2009

Sometimes a Reply to a Comment Grows into a New Post

Trust me, I never thought I'd be one to yearn for the intellectual depth of the Reagan Administration.

Bill Clinton's worst sins were to turn a previously honorable word like "intern" into a national punchline and to force millions of parents to explain what a blow-job was earlier than they would have chosen.

W.'s were errors that struck at the core of our national identity. The secret legal opinions undergirding the Bush "War on Terror" turn out, in the light of day, to be fraud and tomfoolery. Vicious, corrosive tomfoolery.

One can scarcely believe lawyers wrote them with a straight face.

Obama's acts overruling these fiction-filled "legal briefs," and then exposing them to the disinfecting light of day, give me confidence. And pride to be an American.

Hang on. I just re-read something. I'm quoting Reagan and you're quoting Time? Yikes! If anyone sees any lions lying down with lambs or swords being beaten into plowshares, please let us know.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Ronald Wilson Reagan: American Prophet


"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

From the REAGAN DIARIES -
entry dated May 17, 1986
(From the REAGAN DIARIES, recently edited by historian Douglas Brinkley and published by HarperCollins.)