Thursday, May 31, 2007

Road Rage

An inordinate number of drivers I've run across recently have their heads up their asses:

Stop signs ARE NOT suggestions.

Emergency vehicles blaring sirens or flashing lights mean you pull to the side of the road, out of their way, IMMEDIATELY. That's why they're called emergency vehicles and why they get to blare sirens and flash lights.

Yellow DOES NOT MEAN speed up.

Don't enter an intersection UNLESS YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT before the traffic light changes. I won't "t-bone" you if you do, but I wish someone would.

Your rear view mirror is not meant for FIXING YOUR MAKE-UP.

Your rear view mirror is not meant for watching your face while you SHAVE YOUR FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW.

Your windows are transparent. I can see you PICKING YOUR NOSE AND EATING IT, at the stop light. Knock it off. It makes me retch.

If you have to unfold the map you're using, PULL THE FUCK OVER ONTO THE SHOULDER.

If you don't have a left turn arrow, DON'T TURN LEFT IN FRONT OF ONCOMING TRAFFIC.

And for the love of G-d, STOP FLICKING YOUR LIGHTED CIGARETTES out the window. Mostly you're just an asshat litterer. But, once in a while, at highway speeds, you're courting a genuine disaster.

(This last one is the one that prompted this post. A lighted cigarette bounced off my driver's side window on the highway, this morning. Had my window been open, yikes!)


laura b. said...

Because of all those things you mentioned I tend to be one of the most defensive drivers ever, always trying to be on the alert for the extreme retardedness of those around me.

mielikki said...

Asshat, gotta love it. And I agree whole heartedly with your post. Makes me ALMOST wish we could go back to the horse and buggy days. (If not for massive mounds of horse poo on the freeways I would TOTALLY vote for it.)

Anonymous said...

As I was slowly winding my way through the mind-numbing Cleveland highway construction, I was being tailed very closely by some girl. The last time a girl was this close to me I had to try hard to remember her name and promise to call her.

I hate the tail-gaters. If the guy in front is going 45 and I am going 45 is there a reason why the jack-ass behind me has to try and go 60? Go through me next time....

I have driven in your neck of the woods. The beltway is the worst stretch of road I have ever encountered. I can understand your saltiness.

laughing said...

In case I haven't mentioned it lately...I hate Dallas.

Rachel said...

I used to commute 2 hours one way to work. On the weekend it only took 45 minutes to do the same stretch of roadway.
What drives me batty now is that people in Michigan are TERRIBLE about tailgating. Every day I have someone riding my ass, and not in a good way.
Also people rarely signal when they are changing lanes and that has brought on a few near disasters that I am lucky were averted.

Moonbeam said...

These are hilarious and ohhhh so true. They are hilarious because of the way you wrote them, true because they are true. :)

I am so deep.

David in DC said...

l.b. Yup, defensive driving is best. It's pretty useless to try to shout "But I had the right of way" through a closed coffin.

mielikki: I love the word asshat. I learned it from the Don & Mike Show, on the radio. Don & Mike are one of my guilty pleasures. I'm with you on the horse poop too.

e-e: Did you remember her name? Did you call? Totally agree with you on tailgaters and on the Beltway.

laughing: Thanks for sharing the hate. Contrary to popular belief, there's not enough hate in the world. I'm trying to fix that. Thanks for making sure I don't have to should the burden alone.

rachel: Commuting is why G-d invented cannabis. Jah, mon. Rastafarai.

"Riding my ass, and not in a good way" ROFL. Read White Dade lately?

moonbeam: Thanks. And yes, you are.

David in DC said...

laughing: shoulder, not should. @#$%^&*(*&^% typos.