Monday, January 29, 2007


Friends, I need your help.

I'm especially aggravated tonight. And confronting the twit who's caused the aggravation is only likely to lead to further aggravation.

Instead, I've decided to let loose with the worst insults I can think of here, and then ask you to match them.

Then, whenever any of us is confronted with an incorrigible twit, instead of escalating the confrontation, we can take a deep breath and come here, run through the whole list of insults, dissipate our aggression, and move on to more constructive pursuits.

Some of you are particularly skilled ranters. And some who aren't such good ranters probably have a few good deprecations they'd love to say just once, somewhere, for the sheer cussed joy of it.

This project will work best if there are a lot of insults to choose from. Here are a few to start with:
  • If he were on fire, I wouldn't cross the street to piss on him.
  • She's got good medical coverage. Why do you suppose she doesn't have that pole removed?
  • The only difference between him and a barrel of sewage is the barrel.
  • For 10 years in Vegas, she worked as Don Rickles' Muse.
Your turn.


laughing said...

Well, I had a similar thing started for homewreckingsluts. But as it was meant specifically for homewreckingsluts, so most of it would not be of use as insults for the general public. But let us see if maybe a couple of them work.


To call this woman a useless piece of shit is an insult to shit. Manure can be quite useful.
But now that I think about it, e.coli can cause sickness and worry, as well have all seen with the tainted spinach. So maybe comparing the two isn't as far off as I first thought.


How's that? This next one probably doesn't work as well, but you can read it anyway.


I have called her Bitch on a few occasions, but that really doesn't get it either. Besides, calling someone like that a bitch is unfair to dogs, especially in this case. I mean, a bitch will probably have sex with anything you put her in the same room with, but to be fair, isn't that what you bought her for? Bitches mate and make more little dogs, or at least, that's the idea. So it's unfair to compare an animal who is just doing what she's supposed to do with this woman who goes so far out of her way to do what she's not supposed to do.


No, that doesn't work at all, does it? I don't even know if the person you want to insult is a woman.

I don't suppose we could have a little more info on the specific situation?

Rachel said...

How about:

There is a village somewhere lacking it's idiot.
He lacks the depth of a parking lot mud puddle.
He is a perfect excuse for birth control.

David in DC said...

Nothing as dramatic (or even blameworthy) as what provoked you.

There's just a twit who pushed my buttons yesterday and I needed to vent some bile rather than continue to engage. You can't win a hissing match with a snake.

Thanks for noticing that I alternated pronouns in my examples.

And thanks for playing along at home.

David in DC said...

I was responding to laughing while Rachel was typing. It's practically the chat room basic theology suggested on your blog this weekend. Wheee!

Thanks Rachel, we've got nine insults and counting. C'mon everybody, let's really make Monday special. :)

Tara said...

The first one you mentioned reminded me of this one:

"I wouldn't piss in your mouth if your teeth were on fire."

Heard that in a movie several years back.

Moonbeam said...

Not sure if this would apply to a Twit Situation, but its one I use when necessary...

He/She is one Enchilada short of a Combo.

Moonbeam said...

Here are a few others I wish to contribute:

You have the people skills of a belt sander.
You suck more than a whore at a penis party.
May a thousand fleas infest your groin and may your arms be too short to scratch.
I'm trying to see from your point of view but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I'd curse you to look ugly, but I think I missed the rush.
If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.
You must suffer from CRS (Cranial Rectal Syndrome), known in layman's terms as "Head Up Your Ass Disease.
Hell called they were wondering if you wanted your old job back.
Your butt crack stops right below your neck.
The popping sound you hear is me pulling your head out of your ass.
You have a full six pack, but lack the plastic thingie which holds it all together.

Anonymous said...

You can pull out the ole Shakespeare on the twit....demeaning AND classy!

You leather-jerkin, crystal-button, knot-pated, agate-ring, puke-stocking, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish pouch!
You villainous abominable misleader of youth!
You cowardly, giant-like ox-beef!
Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.
You three-inch fool!
He has not so much a brain as ear-wax.

Anonymous said...

"You are a waste of skin."

David in DC said...

Tara: Trivia freak that I am, I'm gonna have to find out from whence that dialogue comes.

If I do, I'll post it.

Moonbeam: Laughed aloud on a couple of those. I'm sure glad you're on my side. :)

Playtah: Wow. I'll never read the Bard again without thinking of this list.

You're one of the funniest mammals in the blogosphere.

Anonymous: With the rimshot zinger to end the set.

Thanks to all for playing. I feel much better now.

Yvette said...

I used some of my favorites, recently. See:

I'm glad you're feeling better!