Sunday, July 25, 2010

Right on Target

My mom's dear friend Kathleen passed this along to my mom, who passed it along to me. I'll see them both next weekend at the wedding of Kathleen's grandson. I'm going to tell them you laughed, so you might as well.

After he retired, Bob's wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. His wife loved to browse. Eventually, she received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. [Redacted]:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor. In turn, this resulted in a union grievance. The whole matter cost Target both time and money, for no good reason.

4. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. 20 children obliged.

7. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

8. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

9. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

10. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

11. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

12. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:
13. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks passed out.

Re-reading this list, it occurs to me that a number of these ideas might work well in a campaign of civil disobedience against Wal-Mart.

I'm just sayin'


sybil law said...


Moonbeam said...

lol...cant wait to go to Target and try some of these. Do I dare?

David in DC said...

I say "Go for it!"

Of course, I'm a wee bit nuts.